2nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, January 16, 2005

3) 2nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, January 16, 2005

Monday, January 10, 2004. “In humility is perfect freedom” (Thomas Merton).

This morning, 8.30 to 11.15 I had a class at CTU for J-Term (three weeks), Healthy Human Sexual Development for Ministry. The faculty who teach this class there are 6 professors such as Dawn Notwehr, OSF, Thomas Nairn, OFM and there are 13 students. From the Xaverians there are 4 students: Jacques, Alejandro, Dharmawan and I. In the afternoon, Dharmawan took me to my ministry site, David Darst Center. I had a meeting to plan a weekend retreat with my supervisor, Sister Paula and Gayle. Afterward, we went to LSTC bookstore to buy a book of sexuality class.

As I called up my oldest sister in Indonesia, she told me that my uncle (the older brother of my mother) passed away on January 6th in the age 69 year-old. I had a chance to envoy my condolence with calling up my cousin, Yudi (the 3rd son of my uncle) in Madiun-Indonesia.
Tuesday, January 11, 2004. “The remedy for unpredictability, for the chaotic uncertainty of the future, is contained in the faculty to make and keep promise.” (Hannah Arendt).

In the morning I had the sexuality class at CTU then cooked hot dog for my community. In the afternoon I called up the supervisor of CPE program, James Gullickson and I will have interview of this summer program on Tuesday, January 25th at 3 p.m. at Alexian Brothers hospital, Elk Village Grove, Illinois.

I wrote a reflection on the cultural perspective on my sexuality class:
How has my culture shaped my experiences and understanding of sexuality?
I was born and raised in East Java, Indonesia by a Chinese descent family who have already lived and adapted in local Javanese culture from a number of generations. In my family, my parents never talked about sex and sexuality to me because probably they considered that this issue is only for adult people and we will come to know about it when we are becoming adult. It is influenced so much of our local culture that talking about sex especially to the children is a taboo and shameful thing. It is only appropriately talked by adult persons and between a married-couple. Even my parents as I remember, never gave me advice about relationship to other gender as I grew up in high school. I came to know about sex and sexuality from my own searching, my self-discovery from newspaper, books and magazines. In the age of puberty, I was sometimes still confused and questioning about my own mysterious libido that I found out the answer from the wide-opened information in mass media. I felt ashamed also when somebody talking about this issue and I never raised the questions to competent persons.
In my own family, the greeting between our family members never expressed by touching each other, even I never embracing or shaking hand to my father, grandmother and siblings after so long time we did not meet each other. I never reflected deeply about this case but I ever read one article that some general culture among the Chinese descendants in Indonesia having such a custom. This influenced my way to relate others in school and society. Normally, I keep very strict boundaries to other gender in the relationship. The normal way to greet others in my own culture is shaking hand but never embracing each other. Since I live in the USA I have to adjust the custom and culture of embracing and hugging each other in friendship. When I saw this Western culture when I was in Indonesia, I still wondered how I could adjust this custom. But, luckily I got accustom without feeling guilty or other strange feelings. Since in the kindergarten and primary school, gathering with other gender friends is a shameful way. It creates a custom that I had to make friendship to my own gender, boys. Most of my close friends were boys and apparently I never had female friends in my house despite my own shyness attitude. At primary school normally we sit with the same gender friend and very seldom we sit with other gender friend. Once I sit with a female friend, I felt very uncomfortable and too cautious keeping boundaries especially in secondary high school.
Even though it seems that sexuality is taboo but in the society especially in mass media such as movie, film and advertisement, we can see daily performance that tends to sex and vulgar relationship between man and woman. It makes many children more curious to know about sex and sexuality without taken care by the parents and adult persons. The information that I got was ranging from positive to negative teachings and sometimes ambiguous and I did not know which one the right according to the norm of my Catholic religion. One major thing that probably makes me think and reflect is self-pleasure such as masturbation. It is struck me when I found that there are some different approaches and arguments regard to this issue in the traditional Catholic teaching and other modern thinkers. Some consider it as mortal sin and others as venial sin. Some myths about this disorder sexual custom in Indonesia influenced also my understanding about sexuality. I hope from this course I come to know how to deal with this issue in a better understanding as I prepare myself becoming a minister in the Catholic Church.

Wednesday, January 12, 2004. “We must not give only what we have; we must give what we are”(Cardinal Mercia).

I attended a class of sexuality in the morning. In the supper, there were Father Alfredo and Adolph from Milwaukee who just had a meeting with other formators. In my reflection on the commitment of sexuality class, I came up with this idea:
“Exploring Commitments and My Capacity for Making and Keeping Them”
I chose ‘FRIENDSHIP’ because this word recalls my experience dealing with so many people in my long-life process as of now. Starting with my friends of close neighbors in some areas that I had been living in, schools, working places, my formation time in the Xaverian Missionaries, and all people whom I met during my ministry as a religious, teacher and a friend of them. There is one special female friend who gave me a lot of meaning enduring what I have been choosing as a religious. Her care of me drew me to a certain feeling that I never had before, namely, feeling of falling in love to a girl. It put me on a threshold of my journey toward a missionary-religious-priesthood and at the same time transformed and awakened me who I am as a normal human being. Eventually, I could say full of gratitude of this experience. I always remember of my philosophy professor who said, “To love and to be loved as a human person is giving an ultimate meaning in one’s life.” To love is not to be attached to someone, so gradually my attached feeling to her becoming a test to me to be an unconditioned lover, to be a lover to many God’s people especially those who do not love me. It is much easier to love those who love us and it is very difficult and almost impossible to love those who are not happy with our presence.” Another lesson of my professor is when I fall in love, as soon as possible I should stand up, awake and be aware of then to build this love in positive way. From my spiritual director I learn that to love is a commitment, not a feeling merely. This unforgettable memory strengthens my commitment to embrace my religious life even though in the beginning it cost me a lot of tension and confusion in my own personality and freedom. To be honest to myself and to others especially my formator, I told this love story both to my formators and my confreres in order to let them know who I was at that time and to ask help to endure this long-life vocation. My strength is that I could accept this moving experience as a positive lesson and to share plainly to others. In addition, to treat her and other friends as God’s people in their dignity and still keep them in my prayer that God allowed them to come into my life story.

It suggests me to be more aware that I am a man who needs care, love, attention and acceptance of others especially other gender. It makes me realized that I am a normal man who devotes myself to God’s service in a celibate way with all consequences such as loneliness, lack of love and attention of others, depression and isolated life. In my fragility as a human being, I just surrender to God’s compassion to keep me being faithful in my daily journey. When I fall down into temptation, I believe it signs me that I am a fragile human, not myself who can endure this kind of life but merely God’s love and compassion and also great grace. Without God, I am nothing. My commitments to my religious life in order to ministering God’s people are full of struggle in my whole life that require a lot of patience, wisdom and daily denying of myself. In my weaknesses I commit myself to God. “If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23).

Some clues that I can enhance my ability to be with others in a committed relationship in ministry are to be honest to myself and to respect others in their dignity as human beings and do my best to love them in mutual and unconditional way. Full of compassion and forgiveness to others will cure some conflicts that may occur in the relationship. To be aware of the ministry boundaries is a wise way to relate to others in the ministry and at the same time not to be afraid in dealing with them in cooperative way as teamwork. To be authentic as I am in front of the others will help others and myself as well to know each other better.

Thursday, January 13, 2004. “Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either”(Golda Meir).

In the afternoon from 3 to 4.30, we had a community meeting with an agenda of evaluation of our community project of life in the spiritual dimension. As I read my reading of the sexuality class, I found an interesting one: “Sexuality is as much about having friends as it is about having lovers. It is painful to sleep alone but it is perhaps even more painful to sleep alone when you are not sleeping alone. Thus, while genitality should never be denigrated and seen as something that is not spiritual or important, it should not be asked, all by itself, to be responsible for community, friendship, family and delight within our lives” (Ronald Rolheiser).


Friday, January 14, 2004. “Those that lose wealth, lose much; those that lose friends, lose more; but those that lose spirit, lose all” (Spanish proverb).
In the morning I still had a sexuality class in which the second session we had a sharing time in a small group.

Saturday, January 15, 2005. “Every action of ours must be accompanied by a reflection to orient it, to order it, to make it coherent, so that it does not lapse into a sterile and superficial activism” (Gustavo Gutierrez).In the afternoon, before and after the Mass at 5.30 at Saint Thomas the Apostle Church at Hyde Park with the initiative of Erna, an Indonesian lady who studies for doctoral degree at the University of Chicago and the cooperation of some Indonesians (Father Edi, osc and Father Rudi, osc, Sony, svd, Francis, svd, and 4 Xaverian students: Petrus, Ignas, Dharmawan and I), we raised fund for the Indonesian Relief Tsunami. At night we continued our gathering at Erna’s house.

Sunday, January 16, 2005.
“Christ has no body now but yours;no hands, no feet on earth, but yours.Yours are the eyesthrough which he looks with compassion on this world;Yours are the feetwith which he walks to do good;Yours are the handswith which he blesses all the world.Christ has no body now on earth but yours” (Saint Teresa of Avila).
We continued to raise donation for the Indonesian Tsunami Relief Fund at Saint Thomas Church in which we were present in front of the main door of the church every Masses at 8 a.m., 10 a.m., 12.15 a.m. and 5.30 p.m. At the end of this appeal we counted the fund from many generous parishioners of Saint Thomas Church almost as much as $ 5,000. Thank be to God and to all of them and we will supply all of this fund to Indonesian Catholic Group in Chicago in order to be sent directly to some areas such as Nias Islands in Indonesia which endure the Tsunami devastation.

3) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-2, 16 Januari 2005

Senin, 10 Januari 2004. “Dalam kerendahan hati terdapat kemerdekaan yang sempurna” (Thomas Merton).

Pagi ini dari jam 8.30 hingga 11.15 saya mengikuti kuliah di CTU untuk masa kuliah J-Term (January term selama tiga minggu), yaitu matakuliah Pengembangan Seksualitas Manusia yang sehat untuk Pelayanan. Staf pengajar untuk kuliah ini ada 6 dosen diantaranya adalah Dawn Notwehr, OSF, dan Thomas Nairn, OFM yang diikuti oleh 13 mahasiswa. Kami dari Xaverian ada 4 frater: Jacques, Alejandro, Dharmawan dan saya sendiri. Sore hari, Dharmawan mengantar saya ke tempat kerasulan saya di David Darst Center. Saya mengikuti pertemuan bersama dengan suprvisor kerasulan saya yaitu Suster Paula, OSF dan Gayle. Setelah itu, kami pergi ke toko buku LSTC untuk membeli buku untuk mata kuliah seksualitas.

Ketika saya menelpon kakak sulung saya di Indonesia, ia bercerita padaku bahwa paman saya (kakak dari ibu saya) telah meninggal dunia tanggal 6 Januari lalu dalam usianya yang ke-69 tahun. Saya sempat menelpon saudara sepupu saya, Yudi (anak ketiga dari paman saya) di Madiun-Indonesia menyampaikan belasungkawa saya.

Selasa, 11 Januari 2004. “Obat untuk hal yang tidak dapat diperkirakan sebelumnya, untuk ketidakpastian yang kacau untuk masa mendatang, terkandung dalam kemampuan dan menjaga janji.” (Hannah Arendt).

Pagi hari saya mengikuti seksualitas kelas di CTU lalu sore hari masak hot dog untuk komunitas saya di sini. Sore hari saya menelpon supervisor program Klinik Pastoral (CPE), James Gullickson dan saya akan menemui dia untuk interview buat program CPE musim panas 2005, hari Selasa, 25 Januari pukul 3 sore di rumah sakit Alxian Brothers di Elk Village Grove, Illinois.

Saya menulis sebuah refleksi atas perspektif budaya untuk kuliah seksualitas dengan pertanyaan: Bagaimana budayaku membentuk pengalaman-pengalamanku dan pemahamanku akan seksualitas? (Silahkan baca renungan ini di atas….di edisi “English”).

Rabu, 12 Januari 2004. “Kita seharusnya tidak hanya memberikan apa yang kita punya; kita harus memberikan apa adanya kita” (Cardinal Mercia).

Saya mengikuti kuliah seksualitas pagi hari. Dalam makan malam bersama di komunitas, ada dua pastor SX dari Milwaukee yang baru saja mengadakan rapat para formator di sini, yaitu Alfredo dan Adolph. Dalam refleksi saya atas komitmen dalam kuliah seksualitas, saya menuliskan permenungan saya berikut ini (silahkan baca di atas yah…..di edisi “English”- nya).

Kamis, 13 Januari 2004. “Mereka yang tidak mengetahui bagaimana menangis dengan segenap hati, mereka tidak tahu bagaimana tertawa dengan segenap hati pula”(Golda Meir).

Di sore hari pukul 3 hingga 4.30, kami mengadakan rapat komunitas dengan sebuah agenda tentang evaluasi proyek hidup bersama dalam dimensi rohani. Saat membaca bacaan tentang seksualitas, saya menemukan suatu kutipan yang cukup menarik, berikut ini: “Seksualitas adalah tentang sebanyak memiliki teman sebagaimana memiliki kekasih. Adalah menyakitkan tidur sendirian namun kemungkinan jauh lebih menyakitkan lagi tidur sendirian ketika kamu tidak tidur sendirian. Maka, sementara hal kemaluan selayaknya tidak diingkari dan dilihat sebagai sesuatu yang bukan rohaniah atau tidak penting, seharusnya tidak dipertanyakan, seluruhnya oleh dirinya sendiri, menjadi bertanggung jawab bagi komunitas, persahabatan, keluarga dan kegembiraan dalam hidup kita” (Ronald Rolheiser).

Jumat, 14 Januari 2004. “Mereka yang kehilangan kesejahteraan, kehilangan banyak; mereka yang kehilangan teman, kehilangan lebih banyak; namun mereka yang kehilangan roh, kehilangan segala-galanya” (peribahasa Spanyol).
Pagi hari saya masih menghadiri kuliah seksualitas di mana dalam bagian kedua kami mengadakan sharing dalam kelompok kecil.

Sabtu, 15 Januari 2004. “Setiap tindakan kita haruslah disertai oleh refleksi untuk mengarahkan diri, untuk memerintahkannya, untuk membuatnya masuk akal, sehingga tidak berubah dalam sesuatu yang hampa dan kegiatan yang dangkal belaka” (Gustavo Gutierrez).
Sore hari sebelum dan sesudah misa pukul 5.30 di Gereja Santo Thomas Rasul di Hyde Park dengan inisiatif Mbak Erna dengan kerjasama kami para mahasiswa Indonesia (Romo Edi, osc, Romo Rudi, osc, dua frater diakon svd: Sony dan Francis serta empat frater Xaverian: Petrus, Ignas, Dharmawan dan saya) kami berusaha mengusahakan dana bantuan untuk korban bencana Tsunami di Indonesia. Malam harinya kami berkumpul di rumah Mbak Erna.

Minggu, 16 Januari 2004.
“Kristus tidak memiliki tubuh lagi sekarang tapi tubuhmu;tidak memiliki tangan, tidak memiliki kaki di bumi ini, tapi tangan dan kakimu. Tubuhmu adalah mata di mana ia melihat dengan penuh belas kasih di dunia ini; Engkau adalah kaki di mana ia berjalan melakukan hal-hal baik; Engkau adalah tangan di mana ia memberkati dunia ini. Kristus tidak memiliki tubuh lagi sekarang di dunia ini namun dirimulah”
(Santa Teresa dari Avila). Kami melanjutkan pencarian dana untuk korban Tsunami di Indonesia di Gereja Santo Thomas di mana kami hadir di depan pintu utama gereja ini dalam setiap misa jam 8, 10, 12.15 dan sore jam 5.30. Pada akhir acara penggalangan dana ini kami menghitung seluruh dana dari segenap kebaikan hati umat paroki Santo Thomas sebesar hampir 5.000 US dollar. Kami bersyukur kepada Allah dan seluruh umat paroki ini lalu kami akan segera menyalurkan seluruh dana ini ke PWKI (Paguyuban Warga Katolik Indonesia di Chicago) untuk langsung dikirimkan ke beberapa daerah di Pulau Nias di Indonesia yang mengalami bencana alam Tsunami ini.