26th Sunday in Ordinary Time, September 26, 2004

4) 26th Sunday in Ordinary Time, September 26, 2004

Monday, September 20, 2004. This morning after the Mass, I was opening my e-mail and I got an e-mail from an Indonesian Xaverian student who just came in Paris, France to study France, named Agung. I was glad to know about him and Hebry (the other Indonesian student) who about to begin their international experience. They sent their pictures taken by Father Stefano Coronese, SX. Now, the Indonesian Xaverian students have scattered all over the world in our International Theologies. They are Utomo in Parma-Italy, Marsel in Manila-Philippines, Maryono and Made in Mexico City-Mexico, Agung and Hebry in Paris, and in Chicago-USA there are four students: Petrus, I, Ignas and Dharmawan, and Suharno in Milwaukee-USA. So, totally there are 11 Indonesian Xaverian students who are in the International Theologies. There are 11 Indonesian priests now plus one deacon who will be ordained priest at the end of this year, namely Natty. In order to keep in touch one another, Dharmawan and Ignatius had initiated to open a yahoo-group that we can up date our stories, pray each other even share our pictures. It’s a great idea that they have begun a couple of months ago. I’m glad also that our philosophy students in Indonesia have joined this media, so that this morning I could see some pictures of their activities in Indonesia. I was able to see some new students in philosophy house and some pictures that depicted faces of some Xaverian priests and students in the assembly. Many thanks to Rendy, a 4th year of philosophy student in Jakarta-Indonesia, who has sent those pictures and we hope that we can share also our own stories and pictures to our yahoo-group. Even though we are in distant, but we still try to remember each other.

As Father Rocco, my rector in the Xaverian theology house of Chicago advised me this afternoon in the personal formation meeting that I should start my new genre to write my journal. Like what I am doing now; not mere my routine activities but mainly I write what impressed me on the recent day. It is a good insight that actually I have known before, but it’s difficult to change what I have done and accustomed so far. Hopefully, with this exercise, I will be able to express my deep heart voice into writing as well as improve my grammar in English that still need to be corrected. In the formation meeting today, I received an evaluation from the formators and I am grateful to God and to all of my confreres who have supported me positively in the community life. It is a good start to continue my journey day by day toward a goal, missionary-religious-priesthood.

Today also there was an Indonesian General Election for second period to elect president and the vice-president. We pray and hope that everything will be running well these coming days whoever will be elected. May all people who involve in this political activity keep their responsibility to maintain peace and justice for all Indonesian people.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004. This morning I had a theological reflection meeting with my group in the Claretian House. What struck me: as I entered their house I saw a board with some photos of the Claretian students and the formators. They have some older American (USA) students and some Latin Americans and Africans. In our sharing, one Claretian student named Manuel from Peru said that he entered Claretian when he was about 40 years old. I guess some of the American Claretian students are over 50’s; they already have gray hair. I see the fact that the Claretian has about 19 students including their new novices; one of them is a Mexican, a former of Xaverian student. It’s a reality of religious vocation life in the USA. Then I compared to my own Xaverian Society: I am wondering that now we don’t have anyone of the USA men joining us while the other congregations have some vocations. Don’t we have enough effort and strategy to get some? Do we learn from other congregations? My theological reflector named Father Mark Schramm, SVD as formator mentioned that SVD in the USA has a lot of students, about 70 students who mostly Vietnamese-Americans. He said proudly that their charism in the beginning was living and receiving others who are different ethnic, background, culture, etc. It requires a lot of patience and humility; both a grace and challenge to live together as brothers. I think this case is really serious homework for us as Xaverians in the USA; how do we see our future as congregation who does not have improvement in some years dealing with vocation candidates. As a young Xaverians, I support our vocation ministers to continue their work with more actively engage this case. I don’t have any idea what I could contribute to this effort; probably with prayer and my life witness in my ministry.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004. In the class of Sacraments I (Initiation and Reconciliation) taught by Father Fragomeni, I was interested to what he elaborated regarding hierarchical pyramid in the Catholic Church in which women are placed at the bottom then God as the peak, followed by Pope, Cardinals, Bishops, Clerics, etc. Humorously, he said: “The more the authority of the Church are distant of the women, the more they dress like women.”

Looking at my courses this semester, they seem require a lot of assignment both reading and writing; almost every week I have to do those assignments; hopefully, I will be able overcome these learning process. How come I do all of these? I am sure the only answer is perseverance and mindfulness using my kairos day by day.

Today I am grateful to have some pictures sent via e-mail by my CICM seminarian friend who studies theology in San Antonio –Texas, that is John Teguh. There are 30 pictures illustrate Austin’s recital activity. He’s my classmate in Driyarkara School of Philosophy in Jakarta-Indonesia. Receiving happiness of the other such as him, made my day also gave a good meaning as I reflected upon my life today. One e-mail from Harno in Milwaukee that forwarded e-mail of Father Bruno in Jakarta, consoled me as well in my silence time opening my e-mail at CTU while I was waiting for Sacrament II that started at 1 p.m.

Thursday, September 23, 2004. Today I had a class of spirituality. I have written two spiritual experiences that I experienced in my life and I want to share with you:

My own experience in spiritual life in the insight of Etty Hillesum’s Uninterrupted Life

I am very impressed reading on this book especially how Etty struggled with herself to endure her affection, feeling, and romantic life to her beloved one, Spier, toward a transcendent life before God. As a normal human being, she had experience to love and to be loved by other man. In the insight of her experience, I want to try recalling my sweet memory dealing with myself in the threshold experience to love and to be loved as a human being on my journey toward missionary-religious-priesthood.

It is a really unforgettable story that I ever have in my life journey as a human being. One evening in August 2000, I attended a priesthood ordination of four priests in a parish in Jakarta-Indonesia. I had been presenting a couple of times this kind of celebration since I was in High School. It is always a solemn Mass with a big celebration that I also want to experience to be one of the ordained priests someday. After the Mass lasted I met some nuns who are friends of my Xaverians confrere. They introduced me to a nice-looking girl who is their friend. Back on that day, I was very happy meeting with her while she was joking and telling me that she is a candidate of nun. I knew that she was just kidding. It was a nice day that I could ever have in my life and imagined as if she would be one of my friends. Since I did not have any idea who really she is; so my impression lasted on that day. A couple of days later, she called me up in my Xaverians philosophy house and since then she often did so. In the beginning I was so happy receiving her phone call because I never had this kind of experience that a girl friend has attention to me. In the human level, I was consoled but I was wondering with myself: how do I deal with such a feeling and my religious life. In one side, I was happy to have a girl friend that gave me attention but the other side my heart was not in peace because I have chosen a celibate-religious life. It seemed that she did call me up often times till she asked me favor to come visiting me in my Xaverians house. I welcomed her delightfully and she came with her girl friend as well. In the beginning, she told me that she wanted to know some religious orders of nuns but after she came, she never wanted to know them. I guessed she only wanted to know my life closely. After this visit, she continued calling me up almost everyday. Finally one evening she asked me help to accompany her to go to a hospital since she did not have a friend. I did not answer directly what she asked, instead I needed some time to decide it. In my prayer in the chapel, I had a fixed and clear answer to say NO to her, but after she called, I could not say NO, but saying YES. I did not know why I could not deny her hope. Probably, I already had a certain feeling and wanted to meet her again. To say that I experienced what people say, falling in Love. It was a really a joyful feeling that I ever have in my life. Even though I know that I have embraced my religious life but I still had this kind of feeling, to love other that is the opposite sex. Eventually, I met her and I had mixed motivation to meet her: to help her and to meet her because she was interesting to me. First time I met her, after taking her to a hospital, she invited me to go to have lunch at a Mall. I told her that it would be a scandal if someone knows that I go with her. But, anyway, I did that while I hoped nobody would see me. In our conversation during the lunch, she tried to know my identity and I did so. Afterward, we entered a store and she bought two cassette tapes of pianists, Richard Clayderman and Sharon, a little Chinese girl pianist. I was wondering why she bought two same cassettes at a time. At the counter of cashier, she wrote on the tape her name and the date we had that time, 31 August 2000 and gave one to me. I could not deny her kindness while she said, “When you come to your house, listen to it and when you listen to it, please remember me.” In my daily lives, my mind, my heart and my dream were devoted to her. If I heard a phone ring, my heart was trembling and my affection suddenly remembering her. The second time, I accompanied her to go to a hospital to have treatment for her sickness. This time she treated me to eat noodle at a restaurant. The third and the last time, I accompanied her to have a small operation of her sickness. This time I had an initiative to exchange our pictures. The more I knew her closely, the more I wanted to remember her face in my dream and imagination. Finally, I got her picture that I could see it everyday when I had missed her.

One Sunday noon, she invited me in her friend’s birthday. We were four, namely three girls and including me. We had lunch at a Mall and I parked my bicycle in a motorcycle parking lot at the basement. After we had a good time, I went to the basement to take my bicycle. One thing happened that I never expected before, namely, my favorite bicycle, which took me to many places in Jakarta was lost. I tried to find it out but I could not get it. Somebody had stolen it. I was so depressed and sad with this experience. After a happiness I got, I had to take up a very sad moment; how contrast it was. My Xaverians confreres, who knew what I had done, most of them laughed at me. It was a big mistake that I did and really an embarrassing one. What I could draw of this experience was: I have to be grateful that I did not lose my vocation to be a missionary-religious-priesthood, but God was still kind to me and God had a sense of humor that the lost of my bicycle reprimanded me to be careful with my relationship and my feeling toward others. Knowing my bicycle was lost, she and her friends felt sorry and I said no problem; “it’s not your fault, it’s a really tragedy, it shouldn’t bother you.” After this event, she was very seldom to call me up. In the beginning, I was feeling sad and lost of her but with time running, I could endure and accept it. My feeling of love and to be loved, little by little, was disappearing. I recalled my study that I received from my professors in my philosophy study: “To love and to be loved as a human person are the highest meaning we can draw in our life” (Franz Magnis Suseno, SJ) and “If you are falling in love, stand up quickly, build up love actively” (Nico Dumais, SJ). I am grateful to have this kind of experience of feeling, falling in love and to be loved by the other. I never had this experience before, so I am grateful to my friend who finally married with her chosen man. Even, with my big heart, I attended their wedding both the reception and the ceremony at a church.

Even though she never told me about her feeling and I never did so, but from her attitude, gesture and symbols that she expressed externally to me, I considered them as a symbol of love. Maybe I made a mistake to draw a meaning quickly. It is a really good experience and lesson to me to pass my crisis and threshold toward my previous way of life in the Xaverians Missionaries that I have chose freely. Since then, I was telling this story to my spiritual director, my formators and also my Xaverians confreres as my sharing to them. Once in a while I still keep in touch with her via e-mail or telephone to encourage and pray each other in our own way of life. This experience I believe, is a message of God that challenges me whether I am still faithful to my vocation to become a religious-missionary-priest or not. With this experience, it does not mean that I will not fall again in the same case. At least, I had known what’s the meaning to be loved by others and it entails me to be humble and not to take advantage for my own self. Moreover I have to surrender to God’s will, not me O God, not me, but only your love enables me to love others respectfully.

My experience of Spiritual Exercise: Fasting takes me to accept my own self and others in the God’s plan.

In the Spring Quarter 2004, I took a class entitled Spiritual Formation given by Friar Gilberto, OFM. In my paper, I did my own spiritual formation in the context of formation to become a missionary-religious-priest in the Xaverians Missionaries Society. One of my spiritual exercises is fasting: eating only once a day during the weekdays, that is supper together with my community dinner. I had this insight from my own experience when I attended a Good Friday Celebration at Holy Name Cathedral Church in Chicago in the early April 2004. Since morning till afternoon, I remained stay and sit on the pew while I was reading some articles of my Spiritual Formation course. My intention on that day was I want to convert myself to be attentive with myself particularly during the Lent. I could not believe with myself that I could endure this fasting day, eating only once on that Friday, that was night after I came home. It intrigued me to do it continuously on the following days. With this exercise, I could feel more attentive with myself and had more concentration in my studies. Other advantage was I lost my weight then I could wear my pants that could not fit before. I was wondering myself, how it could be done to me. I never had strength to fast like so, I always eat a lot three times a day. Now, I can do this kind of fasting or people say ‘diet’. When I reflected upon this experience, I also could not imagine that many things that I never expected before came out suddenly. Most of the things that happened since then were good things in my following life. I could mention some of them that I savored during my summer vacation.

By this kind of fasting, I could see the treatment of others in my own community change drastically. For example, my rector in my community house had suggested to me that in the summer I would do volunteer work in a homeless shelter, even though a couple of months ago I had proposed to him if possible I could stay at a parish in Philadelphia. Suddenly, after I got answer of the Indonesian priest in Philadelphia, I told again to my rector and he tried to arrange my stay in Philadelphia. It happened in the last months before I went to Philadelphia. I never thought that finally I could go to Philadelphia having experience stay at a multi-cultural parish in the USA besides meeting with my pastor whom I never met him since seven years ago in Indonesia. Before my rector made this decision, I was thinking and accepting that it’s OK for me to stay in Chicago during the summer. But my plan was not the God’s plan. God gave the best thing at a proper time. I could go to Philadelphia and with God’s grace I could go to Los Angeles to attend a workshop. With the kindness of the pastor in Philadelphia and the invitation of one Indonesian lady in California I could go to this workshop, namely, Asian Pacific Institute for Mission and Ministry while I was doing my stay in Philadelphia. I received a lot of kindness and friendships of many people I met during my journey in the summer 2004. Even I met a lot of Indonesian people who are living in Philadelphia and I spent 10 days in New York City meeting my friend and made new friendships with others. I thank God to all of them and I will never forget this wonderful experience in my life.

Another fruit that I could get from this fasting experience is that what I had been waiting for almost one year had been coming true. In May, finally, CTU could transfer some of my theology subjects I have from my previous study in Indonesia. I had a bad time to deal with this case. I had been waiting for a long time to know the certainty of my credits whether could be transferred or not. I wanted to know it because it would give me certainty to plan my following study. My question whether I would take an MA study or only M.Div was answered by the letter of the M.Div director of CTU. Thanks be to God, finally, I got the answer that CTU could transfer some of my theology subjects and I predicted my study in the future. I decided to take an MA study with major Spirituality starting at this Fall Semester 2004.

What I am wondering also is that my rector who before did not agree with my intention to transfer my theology subjects at CTU, since this exercise of fasting, his treatment and approach to me was totally changed. He did not object it any more and even he supported my plan to do my study in which I will graduate of CTU in 2006 for my M.Div II study and 2007 for my MA study. Recently, he gave an evaluation to me after I have been living for one year in my theology community. His evaluation to me was very positive and he also supports those of my plans above and my plan to propose my perpetual vows next year, 2005. He said I could go ahead next year in November 2005. O God, thank you for your kindness to give me the best that I ever have in my journey in this religious life. I believe to change others is not easy task and it is not my task but Yours, O God. My job is only to do spiritual exercise that is your will in my daily life. O God, you have trained me to change myself first before I want to see others changed. Thank you, God, for your wisdom and strength that always enable me to catch what you are saying and do your will. Help me to see your ways in my daily lives through my formators, superior, confreres, events both small and big and others who I encounter and you permit it happens in my life. Amen.

All in all, all of this I could experience because of not my strength but merely God who always gives me the best that I never imagined. My plan is not God’s plan, my way is not God’s way. I am the servant of the Lord; let it be done to me according to God’s Word.

Friday, September 24, 2004. On Friday morning I went to my ministry site, David Darst Spirituality Center, a retreat house by bicycle. I had a meeting with my supervisor and a planning for next weekend retreat. Here I share as well my first theological reflection:

Theological Reflection
(due on 28 September 2004)
Denny Wahyudi


This year I am doing a ministry at David Darst Spirituality Center (a retreat house) located in 2834 South Normal, close to Chinatown Chicago. In June 2004 soon after I knew that I was assigned to this site, I found out the location and met the supervisor. I was happy at that time because I got a close distant ministry, not far from my house in Hyde Park. I can get to this place by bicycle (about 25 minutes from Hyde Park) or by public transportation (Red Line). So far, I have been going to this site by bicycle, probably in the winter I will take the train.

Before summer vacation, I have met my supervisor and she wrote her e-mail address on my learning contract paper. Unluckily, she wrote a wrong address. So, it cost me a little misunderstanding. Last week I sent my learning contract via e-mail but she did not reply. I called her up this week and she told me that she did not receive my e-mail yet. I sent it again and she did not answer again. Finally, she gave a letter to my Xaverian confreres who have a same class at CTU with her. On her short letter, she wrote her e-mail address. I was struck because her e-mail address written on this letter was not the same with the one she wrote on my learning contract. Probably, it is a little mistake but it has a good lesson for myself. The lesson is that I should follow up as soon as possible what I have done, not wait until we all forget. I need to check and recheck what is the real problem, not thinking that somebody has to do his/her job appropriately. In this case, I should check again: did my supervisor accept my e-mail? If not, what problem I should find out quickly. The skill of communication and understanding on this little case gave me a good lesson to do better next time.

On Friday, 24 September 2004, I went to my ministry site to have a meeting to plan a weekend retreat for next week, 3-5 October. In this meeting, we who attending there were the supervisor (Sister Paula, OSF), three volunteers who live there (David, Gayle and George) and me. Since I am a new member of this team, so most of the time I paid attention to this meeting quietly while once in a while I asked some questions and shared my experience and point of view. I was feeling little bit unhelpful to this planning since I noticed that the volunteers have responsibility to do many things such as cooking, finding out the site we will visit, etc. They gave me a chance to lead an opening prayer and night prayer for the first day, on Friday. I accepted this task responsibly since as a religious brother I should contribute on this thing (prayer and spirituality). Next weekend I have to sacrifice my time to stay at this retreat house for this event. I am thinking: how I could use my time to do my paper and other reading assignments of CTU? I don’t know the answer now, but I believe that I can and must do my obligation to my study at CTU. I have an idea to bring my reading assignments and to do my paper, at least to write down the concept that I should write for next. I will see my first experience how it works. It seems that I have challenge to use my time effectively and efficiently.

The other thing is when I helped to clean up the office of the retreat house on Friday, 24 September after meeting, my supervisor bought three sets of new computer and she would throw away two old computers. Suddenly, I said to her that if possible I would take them to my house because I needed a monitor for myself and also I have one Xaverian confrere who knows computer. I was thinking that maybe these old stuffs would be useful for my ‘engineer’ confrere. She agreed to give those computers to me. I took both of computers on Saturday morning. In fact, one of those computers still works properly then I think about my new confrere here in my Xaverians community who just started his study at CTU. I see my other confreres in my community have personal computers in their rooms and I see one does not have it. Delightfully, I granted it to my new confrere and I was happy to give it gratuitously since I received it free of charge as well. Then I think that I am a brother among the others in my Xaverians community have a little influence to share grace to others. I remember that in the beginning of this year I got one used personal computer from my oldest confrere in my community free of charge so now my turn to do a good thing to my younger brother. My reflection: indeed, I am called to be connector of many good people, I am called to be an agent of God’s grace especially for the needy ones. From this little thing that I consider as a real example (using a ‘garbage’ that is not useful any longer for someone and giving benefit/advantage/grace to other who needs it), I am invited to do many other little things in my next steps in my life especially in my ministry and my daily lives. I believe that in my life there is no big thing but a collection of little things that shape becoming a good thing together. I do agree with a motto: “Happiness is not fulfilled if it is not shared.” Moreover, I believe that sadness as well we should share to others so that we will be able to endure our life that is not always easy.

Saturday, September 25, 2004. Today since morning till afternoon, Petrus, Ignas and I attended a workshop of Catecethical in Rosemont-Chicago. I was impressed with Father Anthony Dao’s explanation regarding Asian’s culture in the Catholic faith. I hope I can receive his presentation via e-mail for next time and I will share them to you as well.

Sunday, September 26, 2004. This day I was at home, doing my paper for this coming days. It’s a good time to be silence in my reflection and continuing writing this journal and sharing to you.

4) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-26, 26 September 2004

Senin, 20 September 2004. Pagi ini setelah misa, saya membuka e-mail dan saya mendapatkan sebuah e-mail dari Frater Agung, SX yang sudah beberapa hari di Paris-Prancis untuk studi bahasa Perancis. Saya senang sekali mengetahui kabar mereka, yaitu Agung dan Hebry yang akan memulai pengalaman internasional mereka. Mereka mengirimkan photo-photo yang diambil oleh Pastor Stefano Coronese, SX, yang juga nampak di photo mereka. Sekarang ini, para frater SX asal Indonesia sudah terpencar di lima negara untuk studi bahasa dan teologi. Mereka adalah: Utomo di Parma-Italia, Marsel di Manila-Philippina, Maryono dan Made di Mexico City-Mexico, Agung dan Hebry di Paris-Perancis, dan di Chicago-USA ada empat yaitu: Petrus, saya (Denny), Ignas dan Dharmawan, dan satu lagi yang baru datang awal September 2004 lalu Suharno berada di Milwaukee-USA. Maka, jumlah totalnya ada 11 frater SX Indonesia yang berada di teologi internasional. Saat ini sudah ada 11 pastor Xaverian asal Indonesia plus satu diakon yaitu Natty yang rencana akan ditahbiskan imam di akhir tahun ini. Dalam rangka menjaga hubungan baik antar sesama frater SX Indonesia di seluruh dunia, Dharmawan dan Ignatius telah memulai membukan sebuah wahana atau teknologi di yahoo-group di mana kita dapat menyumbangkan kisah pengalaman kita masing-masing, saling mendoakan bahkan berbagi photo. Ini suatu ide cemerlang yang sudah mereka mulai beberapa bulan lalu dan selayaknya kita teruskan serta kita patut bersyukur atas prakarsa mereka, terutama Dharmawan. Saya turut gembira bahwa para frater philosophan kita di Jakarta-Indonesia juga ikutan menyumbangkan cerita dan photo di media yahoo-group ini, sehingga pagi ini saya bisa melihat beberapa photo kegiatan mereka di Cempaka Putih-Jakarta. Saya bisa melihat beberapa wajah baru para frater SX di Cempaka Putih Raya 42 yang rumahnya sedang direnovasi serta wajah para pastor dan frater SX ketika mengadakan asemblea di Canosa-Jakarta. Banyak terima kash kepada Frater Rendy, frater tingkat 4 di Cemput Jakarta-Indonesia, yang telah mengirimkan photo-photo ini dan kami berharap semoga kita semua dapat berbagi kisah dan photo di wahana yang sudah tidak asing lagi di zaman kita ini. Kendati kita sudah tidak berkumpul bersama alias berjauhan jaraknya, namun kita masih mencoba untuk mengingat satu sama lain.

Sebagaimana Pastor rektor saya bernama Pastor Rocco, memberikan masukan pada saya sore ini dalam suatu colloquium alias bimbingan/pembinaan pribadi yaitu sudah waktunya saya memulai gaya bahasa baru dalam menulis jurnal mingguan saya ini. Seperti saya lakukan saat ini; tidak melulu kegiatan rutin saja yang bisa membuatku bosan dan orang yang baca pun juga bosan yah? Tapi terutama saya menulis apa yang menjadi refleksi mendalam saat kini/hari ini. Ini suatu masukan yang bagus yang sebenarnya saya sudah mengetahui sebelumnya, namun memanglah sulit untuk mengubah begitu saja kebiasaan yang sudah tertanam lama dalam diri saya untuk menulis yang itu-itu saja. Maka saya bersyukur kepada rektor saya ini yang sekali lagi memberikan masukan berharga. Kiranya, dengan latihan ini yang memang menuntut kreativitas dan ketekunan, saya akan mampu mengungkapkan suara hati yang mendalam ke dalam wujud tulisan ini juga memperbaiki tata bahasa Inggris saya yang masih kacau dan perlu perbaikan. Dalam colloquium/pembinaan pribadi tadi, saya menerima suatu laporan evaluasi dari para formator dan saya bersyukur kepada Allah dan semua para saudara se-Xaverian di sini yang sudah dengan positif menerima keberadaan saya sebagai satu saudara dalam payung Conforti, dalam komunitas religius. Ini adalah suatu awal yang baik untuk terus melanjutkan kisah perjalanan saya hari demi hari menuju suatu tujuan yang kita impikan bersama, imamat misionaris religius.

Hari ini juga adalah hari Pemilihan Umum putaran kedua di Indonesia tercinta untuk memilih presiden dan wakilnya. Kita berdoa semua bahwa segalanya akan berjalan dengan lancar dalam hari-hari mendatang ini siapa pun atau apa pun hasilnya. Semoga semua orang yang berkecimpung dalam dunia kegiatan politik tetap menjaga tanggung jawab utama mereka menjamin keadaan aman, damai dan adil untuk segenap rakyat Indonesia.

Selasa, 21 September 2004. Pagi ini saya mengikuti pertemuan refleksi teologi dengan kelompok saya di rumah Claretian. Yang membuat saya kagum adalah: ketika saya masuk ke rumah Claretian, saya melihat sebuah papan berisi photo-photo para frater Claretian (CMF) dan dua pastor pembina mereka. Mereka memiliki beberapa frater asal Amerika (white American, USA) dan beberapa asal Amerika Latin dan Afrika. Dalam sharing bersama kami, seorang frater Claretian bernama Manuel asal Peru bercerita bahwa ia masuk ke Claretian saat berusia 40 tahun karena keaktifan pastor Claretian mengajak dia ikut retret panggilan (sedikit dipaksa). Saya kira beberapa frater Claretian asal USA ini sudah di atas 50 tahun, sebab sudah berambut putih. Saya melihat fakta lain yaitu Claretian memiliki sekitar 19 frater termasuk novis baru mereka; satu dari mereka adalah asal Mexico yang adalah mantan frater Xaverian yang studi di CTU-Chicago. Ini adalah suatu kenyataan panggilan hidup religius di USA saat ini. Kemudian saya membandingkan dengan serikat saya sendiri, Serikat Xaverian di USA ini. Saya heran bahwa hingga saat ini tak satu pun orang asli USA ini bergabung dengan kami sementara beberapa kongregasi lain memiliki panggilan, bahkan berlimpah. Tidakkah kita sudah cukup berusaha keras dan memiliki strategi jitu untuk mendapatkan panenan? Apakah kita sudah belajar dengan rendah hati dari serikat lainnya? Pendamping refleksi teologi kami yaitu Pastor Mark Schramm, SVD, yang juga adalah pembina para frater SVD di Chicago menyatakan bahwa SVD memiliki banyak frater di USA ini, sekitar 70 orang di Chicago yang studi di CTU yang kebanyakan adalah keturunan Vietnam-American. Ia berkata lebih lanjut dengan bangga bahwa karisma serikatnya sejak awal sudah hidup dan menerima keanekaragaman: suku/keturunan, budaya, latar belakang, dsb. Ini memang membutuhkan banyak kesabaran dan kerendahan hati; juga merupakan suatu rahmat dan juga sekaligus tantangan untuk hidup bersama sebagai sama saudara dalam pluralitas. Saya kira masalah ini sungguh suatu masalah yang serius yang menjadi PR bagi kita semua sebagai Xaverian di USA ini; bagaimana kita melihat masa depan kita sebagai kongregasi yang tidak memiliki kemajuan berarti dalam beberapa tahun terakhir ini berkaitan dengan calon-calon dari USA ini. Sebagai seorang frater SX muda, saya mendukung para pastor yang berkarya dalam menjaring panggilan ini untuk terus melanjutkan usaha mereka dengan lebih aktif dan proaktif menangani masalah ini. Saya tidak memiliki ide cemerlang untuk menyumbangkan tenaga dan pikiran untuk hal ini; paling-paling saya bisa berdoa dan memberikan kesaksian hidup harian terutama dalam kegiatan kerasulan saya.

Rabu, 22 September 2004. Dalam kuliah Sakramen I (Initsiasi dan Rekonsiliasi) yang diajar oleh Pastor Fragomeni, saya tertarik dengan apa yang ia uraikan mengenai hirarki yang berbentuk piramid dalam Gereja Katolik di mana kaum wanita terletak di bagian paling bawah piramid, Allah di puncak piramid diikuti oleh pihak pimpinan Gereja yaitu Paus, Kardinal, Uskup, Kaum Klerus, dst. Dengan nada humor, professor yang pandai bicara seperti pemain sandiwara/teater berkata: “Semakin penguasa Gereja memiliki jarak yang jauh dari kaum wanita, semakin mereka berpakaian seperti kaum wanita (pakai baju jubah panjang-panjang, mitra seperti mahkota/ perhiasan: cincin, kalung, dst)”.

Melihat dan merenungkan kuliah saya semester ini, nampaknya banyak pula tugas yang harus kujalani dari membaca dan menulis paper-paper yang hampir setiap minggu selalu menuntut kerja dan waktu extra; semoga saja saya dapat mengatasi dengan baik dalam proses pembelajaran ini. Bagaimana saya dapat mengerjakan ini semua? Nampaknya kok yah sulit sekali, tapi saya percaya jawabannya tidak lain adalah ketekunan, perhatian dan kesadaran sungguh-sungguh menggunakan ‘kairos’ waktu hari demi hari yang cukup berharga ini.

Hari ini saya bersyukur telah menerima email berupa photo-photo kegiatan teman saya yaitu Frater John Teguh, CICM yang kuliah teologi di San Antonio – Texas. Ada 30 photo yang menggambarkan kegiatan recital musik para kawula muda Katolik di Austin. Frater yang nampak gundul di photo sama seperti saya 3,5 bulan lalu nampak cukup segar dan ceria bergaul ama anak-anak muda Indonesia Austin; dia adalah teman sekelas saya ketika studi di Sekolah Tinggi Filsafat Driyarkara-Jakarta. Menerima sharing kebahagiaan dari orang lain seperti sahabat saya ini, membuat hari saya ini juga mengandung makna yang indah seperti renungan saya akan makna hidup hari ini. Satu e-mail kuterima dari Frater Harno, SX di Milwaukee yang mem-forward e-mail dari Pastor Bruno, SX di Jakarta, turut menghiburku di sela-sela keheningan waktu saat membuka e-mailku di CTU sambil menunggu kuliah Sakramen II yang dimulai pukul 1 siang hari ini.

Kamis, 23 September 2004. Pagi hari ini saya mengikuti kuliah spiritualitas (Foundation and Method study spirituality). Dalam tugas mingguan kuliah ini, saya menuliskan pengalaman rohani yang saya bagikan juga untuk Anda sekalian yang bisa dibaca di atas, yaitu versi bahasa Inggris, maklum saya tidak sempat menerjemahkannya ke dalam bahasa Indonesia. Intinya: saya mensharingkan pengalaman ‘falling in love’ yang membawa saya kepada suatu makna yang sangat indah yaitu: “Mencintai dan dicintai sebagai manusia memberikan makna yang paling indah dalam hidup ini” dan “Kalau kita jatuh cinta, kita harus cepat bangun dan dilanjutkan membangun cinta”….ini semua terjadi dalam kisah nyata hidup saya sewaktu saya masih tingkat II filsafat di Cempaka Putih-Jakarta tahun 2000. Pengalaman rohani kedua saya yaitu tentang puasa atau diet yang saya alami serta makna dan hasil yang saya boleh nikmati di musim panas 2004 ini, silahkan menyimaknya di edisi bahasa Inggris sharing saya di atas.

Jumat, 24 September 2004. Hari Jumat pagi ini saya pergi ke tempat kerasulan saya yaitu David Darst Spirituality Center, sebuah rumah retret dekat Chinatown Chicago. Di sana saya mulai bertugas yaitu mengadakan pertemuan dengan supervisor saya tentang program yang akan saya jalani selama satu semester ini dan juga meeting dengan staff lain untuk retret anak muda di akhir pekan mendatang…untuk lebih jelasnya lihat saja di edisi bahasa Inggrisnya di atas. Di situ intinya saya mencoba menemukan makna yang saya tarik dari sekelumit pengalaman kecil yang saya rumuskan dalam kata-kata dan kalimat-kalimat di atas….dalam ‘theological reflection’, bahwa kebahagiaan yang saya terima atau rahmat yang saya terima itu akan menambah kebahagiaan lagi bila saya bagikan kepada sesama yang membutuhkan. Bukan hanya kebahagiaan tapi juga kesedihan, problem dan masalah hidup menjadi satu sarana untuk dibagikan kepada sesama sehingga kita saling belajar akan sekolah kehidupan ini. Kita dipanggil untuk menjadi penyalur rahmat Tuhan bagi sesama lain yang membutuhkan. Di sinilah hidup harian kita diuji: sejauh mana kita peka akan kebutuhan orang lain. Tidak ada hal besar yang kita jalani dalam menit dan detik hidup kita, karena semuanya adalah rentetan perisitiwa dan kejadian kecil yang terangkum dalam kisah hidup kita. Kalau kita setia dalam hal kecil maka kita akan mendapatkan kekuatan untuk menjalani hal-hal besar yang merupakan perwujudan kesetiaan kita. Tidak ada hal besar kecuali kasih yang tulus bagi sesama dan terutama untuk memuliakan nama Tuhan.

Sabtu, 25 September 2004. Hari ini sejak pagi hingga sore hari, Petrus, Ignas dan saya menghadiri sebuah seminar untuk Katekese di Romsemont-Chicago. Saya terkesan dengan penjelasan dari Pastor Anthony Dao yaitu tentang kebudayaan Asia yang mendukung kehidupan iman Katolik. Saya berharap dapat menerima presentasi ini dari Pastor Dominican Vietnam American ini lewat e-mail dan saya akan bagikan juga kepada Anda sekalian.

Minggu, 26 September 2004. Hari ini saya di rumah saja, mengerjakan tugas paper untuk studi teologi saya di CTU untuk hari-hari besok ini. Ini adalah waktu yang bagus untuk tenang dan berrefleksi serta menulis dan berbagi kabar dan kisah pengalaman hidup dan pemikiran kepada Anda sekalian seperti saat ini.